Friday, April 21, 2006

The Girl With Two Bad Takes


This is kind of long. I'm still learning.

Well here we are with episode five of cycle six of American's Next Top Model, a mere three episodes behind the actual airing of the show!

First and foremost, I should say that this season is all about torturing these girls. I mean, in the past there's always been a painful challenge to two, but this season seems designed to just fuck with the contestants. For example, last episode they made all the girls walk around in these RIDICULOUSLY high heels, and poor Danielle wiped out and sprained her toe. More examples will be forthcoming.

So, we begin after poor, dumb Gina was eliminated. Brooke is worried that since she was in the bottom two with Gina, she'll be the next to go. Everyone reassures her, but Brooke does kind of suck at modeling. Meanwhile, Mollie Sue interviews that she really wants to show the judges her personality, because she thinks it hasn't been coming through. Her love is real, but she is not. Meanwhile yet again, Nnenna talks on the phone with her heinous boyfriend, and Jade encourages her not to break up with him, because Jade is trying to fuck with perfect Nnenna. Because Jade is awful.

The next day Tyra shows up to talk to the girls about the competition, but in the middle of a sentence she collapses on the floor. All the girls leap up and are very concerned. Suddenly Tyra leaps up and screams "TODAY WE ARE GOING TO LEARN ABOUT ACTING!" You see what I mean about fucking with them? The girls look stricken, because Tyra just cruelly punk'd them, and also acting is hard.

The girls head over to The Groundlings theater to learn some improv basics. It's boring. Especially because these girls are not the world's birghtest and the show has them doing IMPROV. Then they go back to the house and Nnenna's on the phone with her dumb boyfriend AGAIN. Get used to this. Jade comes into the phone room and starts feeding Nnenna lines to read to John, and Nnenna reads them, because even she can be dumb sometimes. Jade just wants Nnenna and John to stay together so Nnenna will be distracted and screw up. Someone please tell Jade that his is not Survivor.

The next day there is Tyra Mail, and the girls go to the set of the MTV show Wild 'N Out, which I did not know existed. Apparently it's an improv show run by Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon? I hear from Dave Chappelle's son that he is hilarious. Anyway, the girls have to play some improv games. Tyra is not content to just torture the girls, she wishes to also torture us. Some of the girls are okay, though, like Furonda and (surprisingly) Mollie Sue.

Then they play a game called "Questions," where you have to have a conversation consisting only of questions. Jade screws up right out of the gate. Hey, improv is hard, the pressure's on. These things happen. Then she does it again. Just says a big old statement. The editors hilariously insert a graphic with a red "X" and the caption "NOT A QUESTION". Jade says she's confused. Nick Cannon explains the game again. Then Jade tries one more time and once again fails to ask a question. Yes, Jade is so dumb SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A QUESTION IS.

Anyway. Next the girl's have to rap at each other, 8 Mile style. They are awful at it. Nnenna can't rhyme. Mollie Sue is actually pretty decent. Everyone's having a good time, though, until Jade stats slinging out genuine personal insults. Oh, Jade. At the end of the challenge Nick Cannon declares Furonda the winner, and she wins a guest spot on Veronica Mars, which you already know because we live in The Future.

Back at home, Furonda says "facade" and Jade does not know what that means.

It's final challenge time! The girls head to a giant mansion where orange pixie Jay Manual explains the challgne. Get this. The girls have to shoot a commercial for Cover Girl and ALL of their lines must be improvised. Tyra just keeps twisting the knife. The results are as expected. Everyone's pretty hilariously bad, especially poor Mollie Sue, who completely stammers and blinks and sucks. Jade is also horrendous, and Jay Manual whispers that she looks like a drag queen. Bingo.

Judging! As always, the judges are Nigel Barker, photographer/model/dirty perv, Miss J. Alexander, runway coach and Jeff-irritant, Twiggy, who rules, and Overlord/Executive Producer Tyra Banks. Guest judge is the guy who directed the girls' commercials. Each girl goes up one by one, and none of them get very high praise. What did the judges expect? Past seasons have shown that contestants can barely remember lines, let alone improv a 30-second spot.

When Jade is being judged, she says the used her worst take, and the director says that neither take was good. Burnsauce!

Ultimatley the judges pare it down to just Mollie Sue and Jade. They tell Mollie Sue she has no personality. They tell Jade that she is heinous (more or less). Unfortunately, Mollie Sue is sent home. Boooo! She was actually kind of decent at the improv games, and Jade DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A QUESTION WAS. Boo. Mollie Sue cries a lot, and interviews that she's pissed that she's going home before Jade. Fair enough.

Next time: Fighting! Verbal, not psysical. Sorry.



Blogger Liz said...

Dear Jeff,

I didn't know it'd be so dramatic! Or that there'd be so much falling down!

Because I am always rooting for the underdog, I find myself inexplicably rooting for Jade. I mean, the girl clearly ain't all there. But the fact that she's managed to overcome not understanding the basics of sentence construction and land on a reality show speaks... well, really, it speaks poorly for the show producers. But well for her.

She's got a lot of heart, I suppose. Like Rudy!


1:09 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Emory was initially in favor of Jade, because he thought she was hot. Several weeks of witnessing her behavior, however, has soured him on her.

I think she makes for fine television.

3:24 PM  
Anonymous Frank said...

I liked the part when Nick Cannon was teaching Mollie Sue about comedy, because it reminded me of the episode of TNG where Joes Piscopo taught Data about comedy.

2:51 AM  

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