Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Last Stand

Guess what I saw last night?

Naturally, I have some things to say about it.

It's barely a movie. There are almost no recognizeable character motivations, and barely any plot. As Frank said, some executive decided that the only thing audiences wanted was to see the X-Men use their powers, so that's really just all the movie is. Phoenix is a complete cypher, which is deadly, since so much of the plot revolves around her. Why does she kill Scott? Or Xavier? Or go with Magneto? Or just hang out in the final action sequence until she can be dealt with? We'll never know. She's just a black hole. And since all of Wolverine's "arc" has to do with Phoenix, it's a complete waste. The only character that really gets any sort of development is Storm, and boy do I hate Storm.

And all the deaths and depowerings serve only to give some "heft" and shock value to the relentlessly dull procedings. Sure the execs were all trumpeting that it was the "last" X-Men film, but at the end Xavier's alive and Magneto has powers and the whole franchise has been burned to the ground around them. I mean, Storm and Wolverine are still around, but Halle Berry has said she's not interested in doing any more of these and Jackman's primed for his solo spinoff. And that leaves the kids, none of whom are developed to the point where the could actually carry a movie, save for maybe Rogue, who gives up her powers for what seems to be middle school-level jealousy. Maybe if Iceman and Shadowcat had at least kissed or something, but no. Remember kids, loving yourself as you are is for suckers.

I liked how they couldn't even be bothered to give the villains names. Did they ever say Callisto's name? What about my favorite new character, Porcupine Face? I guess it didn't matter in the end cause they all got blown up as an afterthought, but still.

Isn't it funny in the final action sequence where each villain just stands in the background until it's his/her turn to have a fight scene? It's like a fucking videogame. And what was anyone's plan in that final action sequence? I guess Magneto wanted to kill Leech? Why not just use your amazing magnet powers to collape alcatraz, Magneto? Or hey here's an idea, why not dovetail the Leech plot with the Phoenix plot? Then if Phoenix briefly lost her powers we could talk to Jean Grey at least once during the whole damn movie? ("Kill me" doesn't count)

It's all just such an affront to basic storytelling.

There were brief moments here and there that worked. Single lines like Magneto's reaction to Xavier's death, for example. Iceman "icing up" was kind of neat to see, although his fight with Pyro was pure anticlimax. I'm pretty sure Magneto's motely crew of goth mutants all had the omega tattoo that Quentin Quire and his cohorts sport in New X-Men.

NERD NITPICKS

Why was the Danger Room there again? And I know it's the near future, but that tech seemed awfully sophisticated. The comics at least have the excuse of intigrating Shi'ar technology with the mansion.

I'm sorry, but if Shadocat phases you into a solid object and leaves you there, you are dead. That is Shadowcat 101.

Hey, let me put it this way. Last night before Emory went to bed we watched Running Scared, that crime movie starring Paul Walker that came out earlier this year. Running Scared is a much more successful movie than X-Men: The Last Stand.

4 Comments:

Anonymous prhead said...

Yup. It blew.

During the scene, after Xavier dies, when they're grieving in the mansion, and Iceman or somebody says "I can't believe we're not gonna do anything to save this school", it took all my strength not to yell "Let's put on a show!"

11:51 AM  
Anonymous Leslie said...

You should be required to get a B or above in Shadowcat 101 before you're allowed to write an X-Men movie.

2:38 PM  
Blogger Alan said...

This movie can lick my balls. Hey, remember when Angel was set up in the cold open as if he'd be an actual character? Me neither.

Shit son, I can't wait for X4: Iceman and Shadowcat Pass Notes in Gym Class. I'd rather shoot myself in the head.

5:39 PM  
Blogger -Laurel- said...

I agree with everything said.

How do you take a franchise with characters I already care about and somehow make me not even care when you kill them?

That takes some shitty ass writing right there.

7:45 PM  

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