Why Hollywood makes me vom
Between Alan's thoughts on the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and the horrific film adaptations of The Cat in the Hat and How the Grinch Stole Christmas, I now present a miniature play about how Hollywood execs would react if I tried to pitch them a whimsical children's film based on some of my own favorite stories from my youth.
(JEFF sits in an office with two EXECUTIVES. JEFF is pitching story ideas.)
JEFF: Okay, how about Where the Wild Things Are?
EXECUTIVE 1: Tell us more about these "Wild Things."
JEFF: Well, they live on this island, and they dance around, hoot and holler, that sort of things.
EXECUTIVE 2: Where did they come from?
JEFF: Excuse me?
EXEC 1: Yeah, what's their story?
JEFF: Well, they're just there on the island...
EXEC 2: Could we give them a backstory?
JEFF: I don't know...
EXEC 1: Right, like maybe a discraced scientist came to this island many years ago...
EXEC 2: Good! And he created these "Wild Things," because he was a geneticist. Like a rogue geneticist, whose experiments were deemed too "wild" by the scientific community.
EXEC 1: And he eventually dies, and his creations are left to run "wild."
EXEC 2: And that's where we come in on Max. Sounds good, right?
JEFF: You know, forget about that one. I'm not really into it. How about, um, Calvin and Hobbes?
EXEC 1: I'm not sure I'm familiar with that property.
JEFF: You know, it's the comic strip where the little kid has the stuffed tiger, only he imagines that the tiger is alive and talks to him. And no one can talk to the tiger but him.
EXEC 2: So is the tiger really alive, or is the kid crazy?
EXEC 1: That's something we're going to have to establish.
EXEC 2: Right. Like maybe Calvin's dad bought the tiger in this hidden shop run by an ancient Chinese man...
EXEC 1: Or, or how about this? The tiger is from this ancient society where tigers walked and talked and ruled the earth.
EXEC 2: Only he was cursed! Cursed to live as a stuffed tiger, but when Calvin is around, he can resume his old form because...
EXEC 1: Because Calvin is a descendant of the sorcerer who put the curse on Hobbes in the first place!
EXEC 2: Yeah, and maybe the plot is that they're trying to get this curse lifted, because Calvin has learned to love and appreciate Hobbes.
JEFF: Yeah...
(JEFF pulls out a gun and shoots executives and then himself.)
FIN
(JEFF sits in an office with two EXECUTIVES. JEFF is pitching story ideas.)
JEFF: Okay, how about Where the Wild Things Are?
EXECUTIVE 1: Tell us more about these "Wild Things."
JEFF: Well, they live on this island, and they dance around, hoot and holler, that sort of things.
EXECUTIVE 2: Where did they come from?
JEFF: Excuse me?
EXEC 1: Yeah, what's their story?
JEFF: Well, they're just there on the island...
EXEC 2: Could we give them a backstory?
JEFF: I don't know...
EXEC 1: Right, like maybe a discraced scientist came to this island many years ago...
EXEC 2: Good! And he created these "Wild Things," because he was a geneticist. Like a rogue geneticist, whose experiments were deemed too "wild" by the scientific community.
EXEC 1: And he eventually dies, and his creations are left to run "wild."
EXEC 2: And that's where we come in on Max. Sounds good, right?
JEFF: You know, forget about that one. I'm not really into it. How about, um, Calvin and Hobbes?
EXEC 1: I'm not sure I'm familiar with that property.
JEFF: You know, it's the comic strip where the little kid has the stuffed tiger, only he imagines that the tiger is alive and talks to him. And no one can talk to the tiger but him.
EXEC 2: So is the tiger really alive, or is the kid crazy?
EXEC 1: That's something we're going to have to establish.
EXEC 2: Right. Like maybe Calvin's dad bought the tiger in this hidden shop run by an ancient Chinese man...
EXEC 1: Or, or how about this? The tiger is from this ancient society where tigers walked and talked and ruled the earth.
EXEC 2: Only he was cursed! Cursed to live as a stuffed tiger, but when Calvin is around, he can resume his old form because...
EXEC 1: Because Calvin is a descendant of the sorcerer who put the curse on Hobbes in the first place!
EXEC 2: Yeah, and maybe the plot is that they're trying to get this curse lifted, because Calvin has learned to love and appreciate Hobbes.
JEFF: Yeah...
(JEFF pulls out a gun and shoots executives and then himself.)
FIN
posted by Jeff at 9:11 AM
3 Comments:
Is "vom" a word?
It is cool-talk for "throw up". Tell your friends!
Jenni's got something, but I don't know if that ending's going to go over in the flyover zone. Maybe instead of Jeff shooting the executives and himself in the head, we twist that shit and make it so that the audience THINKS Jeff's gone murder-suicide -- but really it was a cleverly designed ruse and the whole thing took place in the mind of a fucked-up ten year old.
They'll never see it coming, man. 6.5 Senses, baby!
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