Thursday, May 04, 2006

The Girl Who Is A Model, Not A Masseuse


I know you're in New York and everything, but maybe you'll read this anyway.

We open on Jade, Furonda, and Nnenna goofing around. Jade is pretending to be Tyra, and Furonda and Nnenna are the top models. Jade announces that Furonda is the winner. The girls giggle and laugh and carry on. Nnenna confesses that Jade is her best friend in the house. Meanwhile, Furonda practices her runway walk. Maybe she should practice EATING A DAMN SANDWICH.

Meanwhile, Danielle is concerned that Tyra ordered her to get her gap closed. Joanie tells her that she might feel better if she doesn't do it. Danielle is conflicted.

The next day the girls face this week's challenge, which is being interviewed by Vanity Fair columnist George Wayne. There's no way to adequately express this without you actually listen to the man talk, but George Wayne is SATAN HIMSELF. Case in point, when he asks Jade about her headscarf (which is, admittedly, dumb) he adds "You look like an arrogant bitch to me." Remember, it's not a grift this time. The guy's just the King of Douchery. He interviews all the girls, occasionally throwing in a mean comment. He calls Furonda a lioness and she roars at him and I am creeped the hell out.

Anyway, at the end of it all he declared Nnenna the winner, and Nnenna picks Jade to share her prize, which will be to get a spa treatment from the other girls.

Danielle is still concerned about her gap and calls her mom for advice. Her mom hilariously reminds Danielle about last season's Cassandra, who was kicked off the show for not getting her hair cut. I'll have to tell you that whole, hysterical story sometime. In the end, Danielle returns to the dentist's and gets the gap closed. Only he couldn't close it all the way, so there's still a bit of a gap, it's just not as wide as the Grand Canyon. Danielle actually looks great. Guess it's Tyra - 1, Being true to yourself - 0.

The girls head to dinner, and then a drag queen shows up claiming to be Tyra. Then the real Tyra enters. The the two Tyras fight about which one is real. It's all "hilarious," as I'm sure you can imagine. The long and the short of it is that Tyra tells the girls they're going to Thailand. Sweet. Joanie exclaims "I've only ever been to Canada!" She rules.

The girls pack. Joanie tapes up boxes in just a tank top and her underwear and... what? Huh? Where am I? Anyway, Jade hysterically steals from the communal gumball jar. Then the girls take off and there appears the WORLD'S GREATEST GRAPHIC. It's a CGI pink plane crossing the ocean, only the girls' photos have been superimposed in the windows. And the pictures are bobbing. Maybe they're having a plane dance party?

And now... BANGKOK! And you know what one night in Bangkok can do to a man. It also gives me an opportunity to use one of my all-time favorite MST3K references: "Wait, Andrew Lloyd Webber didn't write Chess. That was Tim Rice and those guys from Abba."

On the way to the hotel, Joanie practices some Thai-ish-nese(?) phrases. She says she wants to respect the culture. She's the shit. Meanwhile, Furonda wants to shop! The girls get to their hotel, which is SWANK.

Later, the girls go to the spa, where Nnenna and Jade get the 5-star treatment from the other girls. Sara and Danielle are tossing flower petals in a bathtup when the spa lady comes by and tells them to delicately place each petal. As soon as the spa lady is gone, Danielle starts chucking in handfulls again, and finally just dumps the box of petals whole. Danielle's trying to win me over.

Joanie and Furonda are in charge of massage. Joanie is very attentive to the spa staff and really tries hard. Meanwhile, Furonda massages Nnenna using just one finger. She says she is not into touching people, or rubbing on them. Furonda finishes her finger massage and asks for a tip. Then she says she's off to wash her finger. She walks a fine line between awful and hilarious.

Photoshoot time! The girls head to a cool floating market where Jay Manuel tells them they will be mermaids, suspended in a fishnet above the market. Danielle goes first, and is not very comfortable in the net. She says "Yeah, my uterus is just flat as a pancake right now." Danielle's efforts to win me over are succeeding. Danielle, Joanie, and Jade rock their photos, Sara starts bad but gets better, and Nnenna and Furonda are pretty weak.

Judging! For the final challenge, each girl must give a little speech to sell themselves to the panel. Joanie spits out tired cliches. Sara won't shut up about how smart she is. Jade, in another example of her mental acuity, proclaims "What you see is what you get" immediately followed by "You can't judge a book by its cover." Nnenna drones on and on and on. Danielle is funny and charming. Furonda stands dumbly, but finally mumbles out a few sentences.

The judges evalute the girls' performances and take a look at their mermaid photos. Once the girls are gone, the judges debate. At one point, after Nigel and Miss J say they're not into Nnenna anymore, Tyra says "I think she intimidates you." But then Twiggy jumps in with "JADE frightens me. Don't leave me in a room with Jade!" My love for Twiggy is boundless.

The girls come back in. Everyone's safe except for Nnenna and Furonda. Tyra says that Furonda is improving, but isn't there yet, and that Nnenna was great to start, but is going downhill. Nnenna is going home. There goes most people's frontrunner pick. For my money, I think it'll come down to Danielle and Joanie.

Next week: A girl goes to the hospital! Also, ELEPHANTS!


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