Thursday, April 27, 2006

The Girl Who Has Surgery


Well, here we are! I haven't watched this week's episode, so this will be like I'm totally caught up! Maybe some of my readership will come back! But I doubt it. Anyway, this episode is way better than the last one.

We open with some blah blah Leslie got eliminated blah blah Brooke is still nervous. And Nnenna is on the phone with her boyfriend AGAIN. Don't worry, this actually pays off this episode.

Do you remember how I said this show was all about fucking with the girls' heads? The next day the girls are taken to an "ad agency" and are told they're going to meet with an influential "creative director." This is a total grift. An actress has been hired to look at the girls' photos and say mean things about them. It is the double-edged sword of horrifying and hysterical that is pretty much Top Model's bread and butter. Its raison d'etre, if you will.

The girls talk to the "creative director" one on one. The CD tells Nnenna she looks like a transvestite (not ture). She tells Furonda she looks anorexic (true). She says Joanie looks like she's hiding something when she smiles (hi, snaggle!). Joanie's upset with the criticism, because the poor girl can't help her bad teeth. The CD tells Brooke that she photographs a little masculine (true). Then here comes Jade. Let me just transcribe this for you.

CD: You photograph a little harsh.
Jade: Yes, my look is very versatile.
CD: Like a dude.

HA! "Like a dude" is my new catchphrase (replacing "Too many dudes!"). The CD keeps laying on criticism and Jade keeps nonsensically responding, yet keeping her cool. It is impossible to tell whether Jade is just cool under fire or too dumb to recognize a vicious tongue-lashing. Regardless, she wins the challenge and (sadly) rightfully so.

Jade to pick a friend to share in her prize, and she picks Nnenna. When they get back to the house, two giant packages are sitting inside with Jade and Nnenna's names on them. Then they start moving! Turns out Jade's mom is in one of them! And in the other is (you guessed it) Nnenna's heinous boyfriend, John! Nnenna has an expression like she just stepped in dogshit.

Jade, however, is super psyched about her mom being here. At one point Jade's mom asks Jade "Can I fluff you down?" which sounds pervy but it just means her mom is going to manipulate Jade's energy or some hippie bullshit that proves that Jade's kookiness is hereditary. Meanwhile, Nnenna and John talk and it is boring and awkward.

The next day, the girls get ready for their next shoot. They're all going to be dolls. Everyone takes their shots. Joanie rocks it, because she is my girl. Jade, Furonda, and Danielle also do well. Nnenna, Brooke, and Sara all struggle.

At the end of the shoot Jay Manuel lines the girls up and tells them that as an extra-special treat, the girls are going to the dentist! All the girls will get laser whitening, except Joanie and Danielle, who will get the snaggle removed and the adorable gap closed, respectively. Joanie's so psyched she starts crying, saying that her family was poor and they were lucky to get to the dentist's once a year, let alone have braces and shit. Aww!

The dentist tells Joanie that she's going to get veneers, which means that her teeth are all going to get FILED DOWN and then porcelin caps will be placed over them. Shit. Oh, and the dentist says he's going to remove four teeth THAT VERY NIGHT. This is bringing back horrible memories. Have you had teeth pulled, Liz? I had some pulled before I got braces as a kid, and it was horrible. You can't feel anything except the horrible, horrible pulling. Shudder. Meanwhile, Danielle tells the dentist that she loves her gap and doesn't want it closed. Go Danielle!

Then they cut to Joanie GETTING HER TEETH PULLED. THEY SHOW IT, LIZ! IT IS THE WORLD'S GROSSEST THING! Joanie rejoices when the infamous snaggle goes. Then her teeth get filed, and it is the world's WORST NOISE. Grind, grind, grind. Shit. Joanie doesn't get out of the chair until 3:30 AM. She'll get her temporary veneers tomorrow. She interviews that she looks and feels like shit but has to get up the next day and model. DAMN.

Back at the house, John leaves. Maybe now Nnenna can go a day without calling him.

The next day, the girls go and see Janice Dickonson, former judge. I hate her. She tells the girls about the "dark side of modeling" as if her appearance alone isn't evidence enough. Mostly she just tells the girls not to be alcoholics. No LMDing, ladies!

Tyra shows up to direct the girls' next photo shoot. It's going to be a closeup of the girls crying. A tear stick is used to get the desired water works. It burns Danielle's eyes. Nnenna starts to actually cry during her shoot and Tyra gives her a hug. Joanie looks great, despite her ordeal. She's my favorite friend. Brooke continues to suck. After the shoot, Joanie goes back to the dentist and gets her veneers. She looks great.

JUDGING! Nigel commends Joanie on her time at the dentist, because he wants to sleep with her. I love how pervy Nigel is. He's so shameless, it's charming.

Jade's photos are good, but as the judges look at Jade's crying photo, Jade looks at it and breaks down into the fakest tears ever. The judges totally call her on it. Nice one, team.

Tyra gives Danielle crap for not getting her gap closed. Because Tyra's all about being true to yourself, as long as you're physically perfect. Sara's photos are pretty bad, and Miss J questions Sara's commitment. Sara says she wants to be there.

Elimination time! Everyone's safe except for Brooke and (gasp) Jade! Even though Sara sucked a lot, Jade's fake crying jag landed her in the bottom two. This show is great sometimes. Anyway, the judges tell Brooke she has potential, but is terrible. Jade can take a good photo, but the judges despise her as a person. Brooke goes home. Jade lives another day, much to your delight, I'm sure.

Next week: Who knows? I haven't watched it yet!


Blogger Liz said...

There's just no way the show can actually be this entertaining. And EWWW, yes, dental surgery is the worst. I had those teeth removed as well, and I'm sorry, I couldn't get off the COUCH the next day, let alone onto a runway. Why would they show such a thing?

Well, it's kind of awesome.

And so you're telling me that the first challenge of the episode was "Who doesn't cry when told mean things about herself" challenge? And Jade won due to some reverse Darwinism that makes her puny brain impervious to insults?

Even more awesome.

11:49 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

It's as awesome as it seems.

I watched this week's episode last night. It was great. No oral surgery, but it did have EXOTIC LOCALES.

They also aired the regular clip show last night, which was also great. They throw in a bunch of extra new footage for the clip show, and all the new stuff is hilarious. I won't be able to do it justice in text. You'll just have to come over and watch it.

12:31 PM  

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