Lard-ass...

...c'est moi.

Emory, Leslie, and I watched Super Size Me tonight, which was both entertaining and interesting. Hey, corporate greed seems to figure in with our current health crisis. See my face? My face is shocked.

The rest of my body is like "Five lunches? Me like much, much!"

Um, that bit is funnier if you picture my body speaking in a low bass register, preferably voiced by Jon Lovitz.

Yeah, so my point is, between my metabolism slowing down and my simply wretched diet, I have developed a gut. Sadly, it is not a beer gut, but a soda gut. I need to drink less soda, which would be simple were it not my VERY LIFE'S BLOOD. So I'm trying to cut back on the soda. It is not easy, to say the least. One might say I am "completely failing" at cutting back on soda. So here my gut remains. I am becoming my father. God help me.

So line up, ladies! I look bad and I feel bad! Thanks goodness I don't have any ex-girlfriends coming into town next weekend who haven't seen me in a couple of years!

...

WAIT A MINUTE!