An open letter

Dear My Generation,

THEY'RE - a contraction of the words "they" and "are".

THEY'RE going to the store.
We don't know when THEY'RE going to be there.

THEIR - a possesive of the noun "they".

THEIR band is pretty rad.
I don't know what to do with THEIR food.

Now go home and FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT.


Next week: ITS and IT'S!

Comics for me

I'm pleased to report that Seven Soldiers: Frankenstein #4 is all anyone could want from a comic book, as long as what you want from a comic book is Frankenstein throwing down with a malevolent, sentient universe.

Now there might be some spoilers.

There's also some interesting dovetailing with Infinite Crisis, and I'm curious how Seven Soldiers #1 will fit in with that series. Certainly Hurricane Gloriana is happening at the same time as the Crisis, but then some of the Soldiers have also shown up in that series, taking on the Society. Of course, recent Soldiers issues have seemed to deliberately strip Gloriana of her top leuteniants and firepower, so I'm unsure what sort of threat the Sheeda still pose. Perhaps SS #1 will fall between issues of Crisis. That would certainly fit the series's theme of characters who have fallen between the cracks.

Speaking of Infinite Crisis, I wasn't much interested in heroes fighting Alexander Luthor's giant hands (just like at the end of Starfox!) or Superboy Prime going nuts (while dressed as the Anti-Monitor for that extra dash of stupid), but if the cover is any indication, I'm going to have to buy the last issue. I mean, how can I pass on the heroes and the Society in an all-out war? That's the kind of shit I wanted to see from this series.

The Girl Who Has Surgery

Liz,

Well, here we are! I haven't watched this week's episode, so this will be like I'm totally caught up! Maybe some of my readership will come back! But I doubt it. Anyway, this episode is way better than the last one.

We open with some blah blah Leslie got eliminated blah blah Brooke is still nervous. And Nnenna is on the phone with her boyfriend AGAIN. Don't worry, this actually pays off this episode.

Do you remember how I said this show was all about fucking with the girls' heads? The next day the girls are taken to an "ad agency" and are told they're going to meet with an influential "creative director." This is a total grift. An actress has been hired to look at the girls' photos and say mean things about them. It is the double-edged sword of horrifying and hysterical that is pretty much Top Model's bread and butter. Its raison d'etre, if you will.

The girls talk to the "creative director" one on one. The CD tells Nnenna she looks like a transvestite (not ture). She tells Furonda she looks anorexic (true). She says Joanie looks like she's hiding something when she smiles (hi, snaggle!). Joanie's upset with the criticism, because the poor girl can't help her bad teeth. The CD tells Brooke that she photographs a little masculine (true). Then here comes Jade. Let me just transcribe this for you.

CD: You photograph a little harsh.
Jade: Yes, my look is very versatile.
CD: Like a dude.

HA! "Like a dude" is my new catchphrase (replacing "Too many dudes!"). The CD keeps laying on criticism and Jade keeps nonsensically responding, yet keeping her cool. It is impossible to tell whether Jade is just cool under fire or too dumb to recognize a vicious tongue-lashing. Regardless, she wins the challenge and (sadly) rightfully so.

Jade to pick a friend to share in her prize, and she picks Nnenna. When they get back to the house, two giant packages are sitting inside with Jade and Nnenna's names on them. Then they start moving! Turns out Jade's mom is in one of them! And in the other is (you guessed it) Nnenna's heinous boyfriend, John! Nnenna has an expression like she just stepped in dogshit.

Jade, however, is super psyched about her mom being here. At one point Jade's mom asks Jade "Can I fluff you down?" which sounds pervy but it just means her mom is going to manipulate Jade's energy or some hippie bullshit that proves that Jade's kookiness is hereditary. Meanwhile, Nnenna and John talk and it is boring and awkward.

The next day, the girls get ready for their next shoot. They're all going to be dolls. Everyone takes their shots. Joanie rocks it, because she is my girl. Jade, Furonda, and Danielle also do well. Nnenna, Brooke, and Sara all struggle.

At the end of the shoot Jay Manuel lines the girls up and tells them that as an extra-special treat, the girls are going to the dentist! All the girls will get laser whitening, except Joanie and Danielle, who will get the snaggle removed and the adorable gap closed, respectively. Joanie's so psyched she starts crying, saying that her family was poor and they were lucky to get to the dentist's once a year, let alone have braces and shit. Aww!

The dentist tells Joanie that she's going to get veneers, which means that her teeth are all going to get FILED DOWN and then porcelin caps will be placed over them. Shit. Oh, and the dentist says he's going to remove four teeth THAT VERY NIGHT. This is bringing back horrible memories. Have you had teeth pulled, Liz? I had some pulled before I got braces as a kid, and it was horrible. You can't feel anything except the horrible, horrible pulling. Shudder. Meanwhile, Danielle tells the dentist that she loves her gap and doesn't want it closed. Go Danielle!

Then they cut to Joanie GETTING HER TEETH PULLED. THEY SHOW IT, LIZ! IT IS THE WORLD'S GROSSEST THING! Joanie rejoices when the infamous snaggle goes. Then her teeth get filed, and it is the world's WORST NOISE. Grind, grind, grind. Shit. Joanie doesn't get out of the chair until 3:30 AM. She'll get her temporary veneers tomorrow. She interviews that she looks and feels like shit but has to get up the next day and model. DAMN.

Back at the house, John leaves. Maybe now Nnenna can go a day without calling him.

The next day, the girls go and see Janice Dickonson, former judge. I hate her. She tells the girls about the "dark side of modeling" as if her appearance alone isn't evidence enough. Mostly she just tells the girls not to be alcoholics. No LMDing, ladies!

Tyra shows up to direct the girls' next photo shoot. It's going to be a closeup of the girls crying. A tear stick is used to get the desired water works. It burns Danielle's eyes. Nnenna starts to actually cry during her shoot and Tyra gives her a hug. Joanie looks great, despite her ordeal. She's my favorite friend. Brooke continues to suck. After the shoot, Joanie goes back to the dentist and gets her veneers. She looks great.

JUDGING! Nigel commends Joanie on her time at the dentist, because he wants to sleep with her. I love how pervy Nigel is. He's so shameless, it's charming.

Jade's photos are good, but as the judges look at Jade's crying photo, Jade looks at it and breaks down into the fakest tears ever. The judges totally call her on it. Nice one, team.

Tyra gives Danielle crap for not getting her gap closed. Because Tyra's all about being true to yourself, as long as you're physically perfect. Sara's photos are pretty bad, and Miss J questions Sara's commitment. Sara says she wants to be there.

Elimination time! Everyone's safe except for Brooke and (gasp) Jade! Even though Sara sucked a lot, Jade's fake crying jag landed her in the bottom two. This show is great sometimes. Anyway, the judges tell Brooke she has potential, but is terrible. Jade can take a good photo, but the judges despise her as a person. Brooke goes home. Jade lives another day, much to your delight, I'm sure.

Next week: Who knows? I haven't watched it yet!

Go vote!

Looks like Doug's Firefox spec ad (featuring me and some other dude) is finally up at the Firefox site. Go vote for it! (Positively!)

Newness

A new Atrox strip is up. Scat.

The Girl Who Has A Temper

Liz,

Here we are again! Now after tomorrow I'll only be two episodes behind!

We open on Jade crying to Leslie about being in the bottom two (again). Leslie doesn't care, because she is me. Meanwhile, Brooke complains that Nnenna has been calling Brooke a "crybaby" behind her back. Oooh, tensions are mounting!

The next day, Miss J. Alexander shows the girls how to work with accesories. Liz, did you know that if you're walking down a runway it's easier to unbutton a jacket from the bottom up, because then your hands are at the top of the jacket for easy removal. Just a tip from me and your friends at Top Model. None of the girls are very good with the jackets, especially poor, hot Leslie, who has the damn weirdest walk. Miss J says as much.

Then the girls have to walk while removing gloves, then with handbags. Brooke drops her handbag and Nnenna cruelly laughs. The tension-o-meter heads up a notch or two. Then Miss J has the girls twirl in skirts. Boring. Miss J sends the girls head off to meet "The Twirlers."

"The Twirlers," it turns out, are two middle-aged bald men with outrageous lisps. They make the girls twirl, twirl, twirl. How do these Twirlers make a living? A Twirling Master Class? Sometimes the world is stupid.

Back at home, Nnenna's on the phone with her awful boyfriend John AGAIN. Brooke gets fed up and goes into the phone room to complain to Nnenna's face. She bitches about the amount of time Nnenna spends on the phone, and as she starts to bring up the "crybaby" stuff, Nnenna just picks up the phone again and starts dialing. Another heaping helping of burnsauce for Brooke!

Brooke complains about Nnenna to Leslie, and in a brilliant move says "She's from Africa? Go back to Africa if it's so damn great." You don't even have to have seen Crash to know that phrase is a minefield. Nice one, Brooke. Brooke passes by Nnenna's room and says "You are such a fucking bitch, Nnenna." Nnenna, it should be noted, does not give two shits about Brooke's (somewhat justified) hissy fit. Tyramail shows up and says simply "Sashay, chantay." Or however those words are spelled. What am I, an English major?

The next day the girls are at a church that I think I sang at with the Oxy Glee Club. I could be wrong. Anyway, the girls are going to put on a church fashion show and have to twirl, twirl, twirl. We are told that church fashion shows are a tradition in the black community, which is why it's kind of funny when the audience in the church is almost exclusively white women, many of them armed with old-timey fans.

The girls walk and twirl, and both Joanie and Jade are really good. Jade ends up winning, much to Joanie's chagrin (and mine), and she gets a $25,000 diamond ring as a prize. Holy shit! Nice one.

There's some more footage of the girls back at the house, but nothing that interesting happens. Brooke still does not care for Nnenna. Leslie and Jade toplessly kick it in the hot tub.

The next day the girls stand on a rooftop with plucky Jay Manuel. He tells them they'll be doing a shoot for Payless Shoes (edgy!) and will be dancing with Tommy the Clown and his krump dancers. As near as I can tell, krumping involves dancing as quickly and crazily as possible. It is sort of awesome.

The girls go up one by one and dance, and try to show off the shoes. Brooke is hopeless. Leslie dances terribly. Sara is awkward. Nnenna is weak. Danielle and Joanie do fine. Jade gets ready to dance and says that this is her "gendre." DUMB AS HELL. But then she totally dances like crazy and Jay totally digs it.

Judging! Tyra wants the girls to demonstrage their signature walk, but when they're heading back up the runway she wants them to stop and do a turntable kind of turn. Tyra does it flawlessly. It's sort of insane. She's moving, but is showing no movement, if you know what I mean. Anyway, the girls are horrible at it.

The judges look at the photos and judge the walks. Sara and Joanie's photos are rad. Furonda immobilizes one of her arms when she walks. Leslie walks weird and could not do the turntable worth a damn. Nnenna also sucked at turntable, but her picture is beautiful, and on and on.

Elimination ultimately comes down to Sara and Leslie. Sara is awkward. Leslie is hot and all, but she walks like a duck. Leslie is eliminated, and is sad. I am sad, too. All my eye candy is being eliminated.

Next week (aka last week): Oral surgery!

Are you like me?

Do you wake up in the dead of night thinking "Napoleon Dynamite, America? REALLY? I mean, it has its charms but the next person I see wearing a "Vote for Pedro" shirt gets a smack."

Uh, I'm not really a year and a half behind the times or anything. I just heard my co-workers talking about it.

Stuff nerds talk about

TV, videogame movies, and comics, oh my!

On Robot Chicken the length of a bit is almost always inversely proportional to how funny it is. The longer the sketch, the less funny it becomes. The animation's really cool, though.

If you've never played the games, Silent Hill works as a hallucinagenic nightmare scape for its first 45 minutes or so, but it ultimately succumbs to plot concerns and over-explanation, which pretty much render the first wandering, aimless (and yet somehow most successful) sections of the movie moot. It's a bad movie, but at times it's fascinatingly bad. Could've done without the barb wire rape, though.

Looks like Seven Soldiers #1 has been pushed back AGAIN, this time to June 21st. You're killing me, Grant. I'm dying. In happier news, the last issue of Frankenstein hits today, and hopefully will be substantive enough to chew over for the next EIGHT WEEKS. Also, Scott Pilgrim Vol. 3 is at the printer's and should be out in May. Hurrah!

Adventures in JUVENILE COURT

I spent four hours up at Juvenile Court today, because of a certain stabbing incident that you may all remember. Anyway, justice was served. In other news, sitting at Juvenile Court is boring.

I finished Ilium last night. I don't want to ruin anything, although I am sorely tempted, but let me just say that the end of Ilium (much like Hyperion, Ilium has proved to be all setup for its sequel, Olympos), is sort of like fan fiction for The Iliad. But not just any fan fiction, no. This could qualify as THE GREATEST FAN FICTION EVER WRITTEN. I can't say more. Just read the book.

Did I mention that there are also a ton of references to Shakespeare's The Tempest? Truly this book is a handjob for science-fiction-inclined English majors.

ANTM supplemental

Oh, Liz. As if I weren't insecure enough about my recaps, here's a gem. It has photo stills, video, AND audio clips. You can see Jade's hilarious commercial, for starters. And just click on anything having to do with Joanie and you can discover why I like her. "You guys gonna be here all night? Sweet, dude."

For everyone else, next week will feature... well, more Top Model actually, but other things as well.

The Girl With Two Bad Takes

Liz,

This is kind of long. I'm still learning.

Well here we are with episode five of cycle six of American's Next Top Model, a mere three episodes behind the actual airing of the show!

First and foremost, I should say that this season is all about torturing these girls. I mean, in the past there's always been a painful challenge to two, but this season seems designed to just fuck with the contestants. For example, last episode they made all the girls walk around in these RIDICULOUSLY high heels, and poor Danielle wiped out and sprained her toe. More examples will be forthcoming.

So, we begin after poor, dumb Gina was eliminated. Brooke is worried that since she was in the bottom two with Gina, she'll be the next to go. Everyone reassures her, but Brooke does kind of suck at modeling. Meanwhile, Mollie Sue interviews that she really wants to show the judges her personality, because she thinks it hasn't been coming through. Her love is real, but she is not. Meanwhile yet again, Nnenna talks on the phone with her heinous boyfriend, and Jade encourages her not to break up with him, because Jade is trying to fuck with perfect Nnenna. Because Jade is awful.

The next day Tyra shows up to talk to the girls about the competition, but in the middle of a sentence she collapses on the floor. All the girls leap up and are very concerned. Suddenly Tyra leaps up and screams "TODAY WE ARE GOING TO LEARN ABOUT ACTING!" You see what I mean about fucking with them? The girls look stricken, because Tyra just cruelly punk'd them, and also acting is hard.

The girls head over to The Groundlings theater to learn some improv basics. It's boring. Especially because these girls are not the world's birghtest and the show has them doing IMPROV. Then they go back to the house and Nnenna's on the phone with her dumb boyfriend AGAIN. Get used to this. Jade comes into the phone room and starts feeding Nnenna lines to read to John, and Nnenna reads them, because even she can be dumb sometimes. Jade just wants Nnenna and John to stay together so Nnenna will be distracted and screw up. Someone please tell Jade that his is not Survivor.

The next day there is Tyra Mail, and the girls go to the set of the MTV show Wild 'N Out, which I did not know existed. Apparently it's an improv show run by Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon? I hear from Dave Chappelle's son that he is hilarious. Anyway, the girls have to play some improv games. Tyra is not content to just torture the girls, she wishes to also torture us. Some of the girls are okay, though, like Furonda and (surprisingly) Mollie Sue.

Then they play a game called "Questions," where you have to have a conversation consisting only of questions. Jade screws up right out of the gate. Hey, improv is hard, the pressure's on. These things happen. Then she does it again. Just says a big old statement. The editors hilariously insert a graphic with a red "X" and the caption "NOT A QUESTION". Jade says she's confused. Nick Cannon explains the game again. Then Jade tries one more time and once again fails to ask a question. Yes, Jade is so dumb SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A QUESTION IS.

Anyway. Next the girl's have to rap at each other, 8 Mile style. They are awful at it. Nnenna can't rhyme. Mollie Sue is actually pretty decent. Everyone's having a good time, though, until Jade stats slinging out genuine personal insults. Oh, Jade. At the end of the challenge Nick Cannon declares Furonda the winner, and she wins a guest spot on Veronica Mars, which you already know because we live in The Future.

Back at home, Furonda says "facade" and Jade does not know what that means.

It's final challenge time! The girls head to a giant mansion where orange pixie Jay Manual explains the challgne. Get this. The girls have to shoot a commercial for Cover Girl and ALL of their lines must be improvised. Tyra just keeps twisting the knife. The results are as expected. Everyone's pretty hilariously bad, especially poor Mollie Sue, who completely stammers and blinks and sucks. Jade is also horrendous, and Jay Manual whispers that she looks like a drag queen. Bingo.

Judging! As always, the judges are Nigel Barker, photographer/model/dirty perv, Miss J. Alexander, runway coach and Jeff-irritant, Twiggy, who rules, and Overlord/Executive Producer Tyra Banks. Guest judge is the guy who directed the girls' commercials. Each girl goes up one by one, and none of them get very high praise. What did the judges expect? Past seasons have shown that contestants can barely remember lines, let alone improv a 30-second spot.

When Jade is being judged, she says the used her worst take, and the director says that neither take was good. Burnsauce!

Ultimatley the judges pare it down to just Mollie Sue and Jade. They tell Mollie Sue she has no personality. They tell Jade that she is heinous (more or less). Unfortunately, Mollie Sue is sent home. Boooo! She was actually kind of decent at the improv games, and Jade DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A QUESTION WAS. Boo. Mollie Sue cries a lot, and interviews that she's pissed that she's going home before Jade. Fair enough.

Next time: Fighting! Verbal, not psysical. Sorry.

Love,
Jeff

Jeff tells Liz what happened on TOP MODEL this week

Liz,

Sorry it took me so long to start this. There is a lot of pressure to measure up to your own feature, but I'm going to try. Do bear with me. For expediency's sake, I'm going to start at episode five ("The Girl With Two Bad Takes"), rather than the beginning. I assure you, you didn't miss much, save for some totally just eliminations, and I don't remember things too well that far back. And for those who watch the show, don't spoil things for poor Liz. I don't know how she'll handle it if the order of the eliminations is ruined for her. Anyway, I'll be starting with ep 5 AFTER this post, which will serve as a general introduction to the girls still around this season, and where they fall on the Jeff-o-meter of Approval. May as well just jump right in, eh?

THE MODELS

(Should you want faces to go with the names, you can always check out UPN's official site.

MOLLIE SUE - Mollie Sue talks and walks like a robot, sure, but she is THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ROBOT I HAVE EVER BEHELD. She is hot, is what I'm saying. And she seems okay personality-wise, when she opens her robot mouth.

JOANIE - I initially dismissed Joanie, but she has grown on me over the course of the show to become my second-favorite. She's a good model and all, but she's also pretty funny and charming in her interviews and most importantly of all, she is NOT CRAZY. Joanie has a hideous snaggletooth.

BROOKE - Brooke is a stupid hippie. I don't mean to say that hippies are stupid. I mean to say that Brooke is stupid and is also a hippie. She's pretty in a weird way, and has been told by the judges more than once that her looks is "so wrong, it's right" (big confidence booster!). According to everyone else, Brooke cries all the time, but the show has neglected to show us any of that, so who knows. I don't know why I like her. I just do.

SARA - The best way to describe Sara is to say that she is Scarlett Johannson if Scarlett Johannson were an AMAZON. Like, from Themyscira. Sara is tall, and a little awkward about it. She wasn't even looking to be in this competition, but was flagged down by Top Model recruiters at her local mall. Perhaps because of this secret origin, Sara is argueably the most level-headed girl in the house.

LESLIE - Leslie is gorgeous, but has had almost no screentime. She has a ridiculous model walk, where her butt sticks out a mile behind her.

FURONDA - In a competition full of skinny girls, Furonda is the skinniest. She freaks me out. But she's kind of hysterical, like when she handed out a list of rules for dealing with her, including such gems as "I will treat you as well, or worse, as you treat me." That was gold. You might remember Furonda from Veronica Mars a few weeks ago.

NNENNA - Nnenna swept in to the competition as the unstoppable golden child, winning the first two challenges of the season and being actually good-looking and (gasp) intelligent. She's lost a bit of her luster since then, but she's still solid. Nnenna is from Africa, is a chemist, and has a tragic past.

DANIELLE - I have no real opinion on Danielle. She is neither offensive or attractive to mine eyes. She takes decent pictures and isn't a jerk. Danielle has a huge gap in her front teeth which is pretty charming. Sometime she makes up nonsensical freestyle raps.

JADE - Jade is stone crazy. Seriously. She's insanely arrogant, talks about herself in the third person, and cannot BELIEVE that she is not already a supermodel. However, she is soooo ridiculous that she's almost charming. She's harmless, really (certainly now that Gina, who Jade was picking on, is gone), and is an endless comedy mine. She's also really dumb, as my first recap will demonstrate.

MODELS WHO ARE ALREADY ELIMINATED

GINA - She was the dumbest girl in the house, and that's saying something.

KARI - Kari looked like Denise Richards, only puffier.

WENDY and KATHY - They were not actually attractive in the least.

Okay, so there's that. I'm not nearly as invested in this lot as I was with last cycle's, but I'll not let that stop me. I should have my summary of "The Girl With Two Bad Takes" up by... uh... tomorrow? Tomorrow.

What are you doing here?

When there's a brand-new strip over at The Atrox. Scoot on over!

Ilium

Emory just bought Dan Simmons's latest novel, Ilium, and graciously let me have first crack at it, since Emory is famous for buying books or comics and then simply never reading them. I'm sure he'll get around to this one though, since Simmons wrote the Hyperion novels, one of Emory's (and my) favorite science fiction epics. I'm about fifty pages into it so far, and let me just describe one of the three major plotlines thus far:

It is The Iliad in space. It is Homer meets Hyperion. It is the Greek gods plus nanotech. It is concentrated Jeff-joy.

My Easter

I spent it at lunch with Erika, Leslie, and Emory.

And apparently I was MISERABLE.

Not really. It was a good time. Leslie and Erika got Easter-wasted. Then we dropped Erika off and Leslie fell asleep in the backseat and snored like a bear. LIKE A BEAR.

I have nothing to say to you

It's true. I'll try to think of something, though.

For now, have some Achewood.

Are you sick of this yet?

Leslie's APE photos.

Just bask in it

Hey, here's a Firefox spec ad written and directed by the talented Doug Spice of Psychic Bunny, and featuring someone who looks an awful lot like yours truly (because it is). Enjoy.

Spoilers ahead

A miniature play!

(Emory is reading a certain mega-selling novel)
EMORY: Hey Jeff, what's a five-letter word associated with Isaac Newton?
JEFF: (overthinking things because he has read The Baroque Cycle) Uh... um... wait... I can get this... Oh! "Apple."
EMORY: Congratulations. You just figured out the DaVinci Code.

And yet more post-APE stuff

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... my shitty APE photos.* Let's hope Leslie and Paul took some better ones.

*(Does not apply to photos Leslie took with my camera, such as all the Isotope ones)

Look, our first proper review, courtesy of Ain't It Cool News.

The dude has got no mercy

As a lad, I watched a lot of Mystery Science Theater 30000. Like, a LOT. And as devotees of that show know, when a dude hits another dude in whatever movie's being watched, Joel/Mike and the 'bots shout "Hi-keeba!" or "Gymkata!" Now, "Hi-keeba" was a line from one of their earlier movies, so that explains that. A mystery of my youth that I never bothered to solve was what the hell "gymkata" was all about. I knew it was a movie, but figured it to be a generic action flick with a weird name that the MST writing staff latched onto.

The truth is so much better.

Gymkata, for those of you who don't know, is a movie about a dude who MUST COMBINE GYMNASTICS AND KARATE INTO A NEW MARTIAL ART IN ORDER TO WIN A RIDICULOUS TOURNAMENT IN SOME MADE-UP FOREIGN COUNTRY SO THAT THE USA CAN BULID A STAR WARS SITE THERE.

Just drink that premise in. Drink deep.


...


That's just the greatest. Also the greatest? This tagline: "The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate."

That retroactively makes every MST reference to it so much funnier.

New strip

New strip up at the Ol' Atrox. Go. Play. Have fun.

Post-APE-frenzy-a-go-go

UPDATE: Okay, looks like James Sime linked to this write-up over at Comic Book Resources, which was nice. Here's a bit more from APE, including links to my pictures (not very good) and Erika's pictures (quite good, and link to be found in the comments).

.........

Man, APE was a good time. I'll try to sum it up as interestingly and succinctly as possible. Will I fail on both counts? Seems likely.

I drove up with Leslie and Erika on Friday, and we stayed at Leslie's friend Hilary's house. After we arrived, we headed over to Lauren's place, where Paul, Frank, Alan, Asa, and Liz were staying and stayed up too late drinking and eating pizza. It was okay, though, since those are two of my favorite activities.

The next morning we got up relatively bright and early to go set up our table to promote our website, The Lair of the Dreaded Atrox. Leslie had made a swell banner as well as a stand-up Atrox, so we put both of those up, as well as our postcards, minicomics, and T-shirts. Leslie also had tons of little sculpey critters that she had made, as well as her photos. The right side of the table we reserved for Erika's minicomics and Dominion portfolio. Once the floor opened Asa got in and we put out his Cash Milliondollars strip collections as well as his "How to Tie a Tie" prints. Leslie had originally thought we wouldn't have enough stuff to fill the table, but our table actually ended up being pretty cluttered.

Anyway, the con was a good time. Since our table was homebase to about eight or nine people, there were always folks hanging around behind and/or in front of the table area. And people seemed to really dig our stuff! They took postcards and the Atrox and DARC minis, and seemed to really enjoy them. One guy took an Atrox comic, went off and read it, and then came back to get it signed. Another guy came back, saying he had checked out the site the night before, declared the coolest, and bought two T-shirts. We actually sold some shirts! I was kind of shocked. I mean, I like the site, I like the work we do, *I* think it's cool, but it's always nice to have a complete stranger tell you so, you know? By mid-afternoon Sunday we had given away all the Atrox minis and only had a few DARCs left.

Leslie CLEANED UP. Her sculpeys were insanely popular, and she sold all the little watercolors she had done of The Bunnim. She raked in the cash. Raked it in like crazy. She deserved it, of course. She had worked so hard.

Alan came to the con dressed as Cash Milliondollars, and on the first day went from booth to booth, handing out comics and being in character. Every time I caught site of him chatting up some artist I giggled like a fourth grader. On a completely unrelated note, the cute girl quotient at APE? EXTREME.

Here are some mini-plays about Team Atrox's hilarious interactions with children.

ADORABLE BOY: "Can I have a piece of candy?"
LESLIE: "Sure you can!"
(Kid takes candy)
DAD: "What do you say?"
ADORABLE BOY: "Maybe two..."

DAD: (indicating Atrox sculpeys) "Do you want this one, or this one?"
ADORABLE BOY: "What happens if I say both?"

(Two kids slide up to the table, but start at Erika's end first, where there is a minicomic called "GirlFuck".)
1ST KID: (agape)
2ND KID: "Whoa, that's not appropriate!" (turns kid towards rest of the table) "Hey, look! Candy!"
1ST KID: "Oh boy!"

That last one was my favorite. Self-censoring children are HYSTERICAL.

I didn't spend as much time actually enjoying the con as I thought I would. I was just sort of antsy about the table all weekend, and I'm shy around strangers, so I would just cruise by tables and not look closely at anything. I am the world's worst con participant. I did get a couple of books (Pyongyang and Seth's It's a Good Life, If You Don't Weaken), and cruised by Jeffrey Brown, Chynna Clugston, and Corey Lewis. I also got Leslie a swell T-shirt from the booth across the way from us. But that's about it. Paul found a pack of minicomics entitled Teen Boat, which had the hilarious tagline "The ANGST of being a teen! The THRILL of being a boat!" That's hilarious.

Saturday night we went to the Isotope party, just in time to see Danica Novgorodoff win the Isotope Award for Excellence in Minicomics. It's a really good book, if you're wondering. I stole Frank's copy to read since I ran out of money fairly quickly. Later I saw Asa engaging Danica in conversation, and word on the street is that Alan asked for her hand in marriage, but far be it from me to spread unsubstantiated rumors like that. Our old PHS friend Ian came up and met us there, so it was good to see him, especially considering the events of late (a good friend of ours died, and let's leave it at that). Erika and a some other members of the team spent some time talking to Stephen Notley of Bob the Angry Flower fame. Where was I? Probably waiting on a drink. But Frank told me that he told Mr. Notley that my favorite strip is Ore Sledge, and I can find no fault with such a statement. I do loves me some Ore Sledge.

Sunday night we went out for curry and afterwards went back to Lauren's to spend our last night in San Francisco. Ali was able to come up for a bit, and it was great to see her as always. I guess she'll be back up in LA in June for a wedding. Frank and I tried to convince her to come with me to Rachel's wedding, but she was reluctant. We'll wear her down.

Okay, that seems to be it. If I forgot anything awesome I'll tell you, I'm sure.

Service interrruption

Team Atrox heads to APE today, so don't expect anything from me until Monday (maybe). I'll be sure to tell you about all the indy comics people I annoyed.

Last night I watched like six episodes of Degrassi: TNG in a row, in preparation for the new season starting tonight. I am DVR-ing the hell out of it. I can't believe I didn't watch it for so long.

Things that don't make me irrationally angry

Made it to Meltdown yesterday, and I got two FINE COMICS. All-Star Superman #3 is like if Grant Morrison and the Silver Age had a baby, and that baby was gorgeously illustrated. It's silly and fun and wonderful. Planetary #25 has serious revelations and serious beatdowns, and is a nice change of pace from last issue which, let's fac it, was just a recap for the slow kids. The origin of the Four is rad as hell. "It's an adventure." Awesome. It should be noted that Planetary is the only entertainment on earth where a team of archaeologists battles a team of explorers for the fate of all humankind. God knows when we'll see the last two issues, but this one reaffirmed my love of the series.

I also took a moment to flip through the new issue of Infinite Crisis. Nice try, Johns, but no. This might be one of the only "event" miniseries on record where the tie-ins were superior to the actual series.

The Eisner nominees just got announced, and Warren Ellis could very well win Best Writer, to his unending disinterest. I'm rooting for Morrison myself, but you knew that. The nominees for best artist/inker are pretty much all my favorite working comic artists, so good luck on getting me to pick a favorite there. It's a weak year for beat "Serialized Story", since the Y: The Last Man arc was hardly that series's best, and the other noms are pretty lackluster. Fables will probably win again, cementing that title as "Most Overrated Book on the Market". Seriously, if you didn't guess the Adversary's identity during "March of the Wooden Soldiers," you're a dumbass.

Rawr

Man, I am in a BAD MOOD. Let's hope it's gone before, say, I have to spend 72 hours or so with the same four people in occasionally cramped quarters.

Rawr!

DC, you are killing me

I am physically unable to wait for this. Looks like Frankenstein got pushed back to the end of April, and now SS #1 won't come out until May. SIX WEEKS later than its original solicitation. I'm climbing the walls, here.

Also killing me? Bryan Lee O'Malley. Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness was supposed to be out in February. Now we'll be lucky if it's out before the end of this month.

Oog

Sorry I haven't been that talkative on here lately. It's been a busy, difficult week thus far, but there's APE to look forward to so hoo-ray.

Last night Paul, Frank, and I ran all over the city, first going to Lindsay's craft night. Doug did a fine rendition of Adam using only a paper plate, pasta, and beans. I did very little and mostly just shot the shit since Chandler and Darren showed up and I hadn't seen them in some time. Mostly I spent my time convincing them and Lindsay of how cool Return to Oz is. That movie is RAD. And scarring.

Then we ran up to The White Horse in Hollywood for Liz's SMRT-TV 1-year anniversary party. There was yet more talking and drinking until the old Russian bartender kicked us all out. I yelled that whoever wanted to could come to my place, because I am stupid. Frank, Paul, Aimee, Alan, and Laurel came over, and we managed not to be too loud (this was helped by Frank passing out immediately), and I wound up staying up until 3 in the morning because again, I am stupid. It was a good time, though. Alan and Aimee now know more about Paul's and my high school than they ever wanted to, I'm sure.

Now I'm bleary-eyed and surly, but I'm not really sorry I stayed up. It reminded me of the days we used to go to All Star and sometimes come back to the Glendale apartment, and that was nice.

Brick

Brick is awesome. Just a fine old film noir wrapped up in a nice new package. It's so rare for me to be so totally involved in a film these days, but this one kept my rapt attention. It really only lags at the very end, when there's a little too much speechifyin', but that's easily forgiven. Film noir's such a well-beaten path at this point that the twists of the plot seem kind of comfortable and inevitable, and that's not a detriment either. It's a nice acknowledgement of "high school is the world in miniature", without any irritating irony or winking to the camera. Plus its dialogue sounds like Miller's Crossing's, and you could do much worse by me than to remind me of Miller's Crossing. I would say that it's the best movie I've seen this year, but keep in mind that I've only seen two movies in the theater so far this year (how times have changed). Still, it's true.

Oh, Nora Zehetner? Maybe we could go out for drinks or something, sometime. Or coffee and pie, oh my.

Atrox TO THE EXTREME

So many damn updates at The Atrox that I don't even know where to begin. I will say that the new team photo on the Bio page is one of my favorite things.