Hey, Frank

Read this.

I guess I could have emailed you, but this way I get to share this with the world Of course, familiarity with the Evangelion theme song is important to fully embracing the joke.

Holy shit

Via Overcompensating, I give you the world's least appropriate toy.

Mayday!

Dudes, you know that all the cool kids are going to be at the Mayday screening, right? Everybody can't wait to see all those 24-hour films.

ANYONE AND EVERYONE IS WELCOME, so come to the screening and be sure to vote for Team Atrox in all categories because frankly, we think we're due. Granted this is the first film we've turned in on time, but what are you gonna do? Also, voting for us is dependent on our film making it past the initial judging (picking 12 finalists from the 15 films), but I'm pretty confident we'll clear that, since what audience can resist not one but TWO silly German accents? No audience I'm interested in kicking it with, that's who!

Uh, what was I talking about? Right, the screening. Go to it. When/where/how much details at the Mayday site.

All Star frenzy

Yeah, so there were so many of us at All Star last night that at like 10:15 the karaoke guy CUT US OFF because WE HAD ALREADY BLOCKED OUT THE REST OF THE NIGHT. I suppose this is what inevitably happens if you let people sign up for more than one song at a time. And if you have twenty people who are all in the same group.

Still, it was nice. Really big turnout. I doubt we'll go next week, since there's Mayday screenings and craft nights and things like that, but it's good not to get burned out.

Nerd shit

Remember during Arbitrary List Week when I was talking about how awesome Ultron is? The first comics I ever read with Ultron were a couple of Daredevil issues my friend Jared had (KC Jared, not to be confused with recently-wed Jared) that I thought were just the coolest.

And damned if The Invincible Super-Blog isn't talking about one of those issues today.

Yes, even though he got schooled by a blind man with a stick, Ultron still won my heart. I have a soft spot for genocidal robots.

You know...

When you get right down to it, I have some pretty awesome friends.

(That means YOU.)

On dreams

Sometimes Warren Ellis writes stuff that makes me laugh.

Other than Nextwave, of course. That last issue was fucking hysterical. The Celestial doing the loser "L"? Priceless.

Kitty-Face Kitty rides again

Far be it from me not to tell you that there's a new Kitty-Face Kitty strip up at The Atrox. Go, KFK, go.

Memorial Day

Who has two thumbs and had an awesome weekend?

THIS GUY!

(Uh, I'm pointing to myself. With my thumbs.)

You better believe this weekend rocked ultimate! On the one hand it feels like it flew right by, and on the other Friday seems a million years ago. Chock full of adventure, is what I'm saying.

Friday night was Mike's sketch comedy show at the UCB theater, which was really funny. Plus Mike got to do his killer-ass Rod Serling impression. And I don't care what Corinne says, "Tom Sawyer" is an awesome song. Afterwards some of us went back to Laurel and Trumbo's place and watched Trapped in the Closet and if you haven't seen it, there's no way to describe it. It is simply a trash-pop masterpiece.

Saturday was Jared and Anne-Elisa's wedding, and it was really fantastic. The ceremony was great, with Asa doing a fine job as officiant. The whole thing took place on the roof of the Mariott in Marina Del Rey so we got to watch the sun set as we ate dinner. Not too shabby. Trumbo was the DJ for the reception and did his usual bang-up work. All I'm saying is that any party that ends with 50 people all singing along to "Don't Stop Believing" at the top of their lungs is okay in my book. Also, Mike is a drunk-in-the-face. Anyway, congrats to Jared and Anne-Elisa. I think they're off in Australia right now so good on them.

Sunday Paul, Frank and I hit Runyon Canyon and this Lindsay came out and joined us for lunch. Afterwards we hit Golden Apple then headed back to my place (sans Frank, who had to go to work like a stupe) where we just sat around and read comics for a few hours. Liz came over then and we all met up with Nell and Brooke at The Lava Lounge for some karaoke. It was a fine time except along the way I got all tired and surly. Then I went home and slept for nine hours, so that was all right. Also the evening brought the "Don't Stop Believing" sing-along count for the weekend up to two.

Monday was the annual Memorial Day barbeque at the Hollywood House, and not to sound like a broke record, but it was a great time. Just eating, drinking, playing various games of both the physical and board variety, and relaxing in various chairs and hammocks. That is the recipe for a fine party. Some time around 11 I was up in Asa's room and I noticed he got that Mega Man Anniversary game, that has all 8 original Mega Man games plus two unreleased-in-the-US arcade games. Anyway, Asa and I built up quite a head of steam talking about how awesome that series of games is, until finally Asa was just like "Let's go play it right now!" So we ran downstairs and did just that. So instead of going home at 11:30 like I had planned, I stayed up until 1 AM playing Mega Man II with everyone who was left at the party. Man, Mega Man II is the shit. The perfect way to cap off the awesome weekend.

Gross deux

Okay, serious House spoilers.



So I watched the last 15 minutes of the season finale last night, and if you thought it was gross before... well, let's just say that the big finish is House using a robot to slice open the patient's stomach so that his intestines spill out, along with a lot of blood. And SHIT. I cannot believe they got away with this episode. It was AWESOME.

Five Awesome Quotes from Scott Pilgrim 3

I don't think there are any spoilers here, really, but if you want to wait until you've read the book, I understand.

1) "Do you hear that? That's market bacon hitting the pan. Today a child will be born unto us, and his name will be Bacon."

2) "He was totally awesome! And I kicked him so hard he saw the curvature of the earth!"

3) "Is your show going to rock ultimate?"
"You better believe our show is going to rock ultimate!"

4) "Break her face, Ramona! Break her horsey ol' face!"

5) "That's right, Pilgrim... I actually know how to play bass."

It's Thursday!

I overslept! Like, forever! One of those "think you're hitting snooze but in reality you are turning off your alarm" situations. You know how it is. Stupid sleep!

Anyway, new strip at The Atrox that you'll all want to read, I'm sure. I really like this one.

Five 3rd Entries in Popular Series That Turned Out Okay

In honor of the inevitably disappointing X-Men: The Last Stand. In theaters Friday!

1) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
2) The Return of the King
3) Goldfinger
4) The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (arguably the greatest video game of all time)
5) The Amber Spyglass by Philip Pullman

Five Additional Elias Koteas TMNT Lines

I just broke the nerd-o-meter.

1) (as he nonchalantly murders The Shredder) "Oops!"
2) "The engine's got a crack in it the size of the San Andreas."
3) (facing Tatsuo) "Ernh? Arrr! You know, a little (makes spray noise) Primetine would clear that up for you. (Gets punched in the face) That's gonna cost you, Tinkerbell." (Gets kicked in the stomach.)
4) "I'll never call golf a dull game again."
5) "Hey! Broadzilla!"

Comedy of the webcomical variety

Trust me, guys. You want to be reading this Achewood arc. Start with that strip, then read to the newest.

Gross

Mild House spoilers ahead.



Granted I fell asleep about 2/3 of the way through (due to exhaustion, not disinterest), but last night's House finale seemed to turn the gross-o-meter up to 11. Remember when THAT DUDE'S EYE POPPED OUT? And when Chase got sprayed with blood by the part of the body that you least want to be sprayed with blood? It was all great, but then I passed out.

And why didn't anyone tell me Elias Koteas was going to be on??? Ooh, that gives me an idea.

BEST FIVE LINES SAID BY ELIAS KOTEAS IN TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

1) "Hey, didn't they use this place in The Grapes of Wrath?"
2) "You want a fist in the mouth? I never even looked at another guy before."
3) "New game, roundhead. Cricket?"
4) "You call this, here, and that (indicating Tatsuo), down there, family?
5) "What are you, some sort of punker? Man, I hate punkers. Especially bald ones with green makeup... who wear masks over ugly faces..."

Okay, these are just getting too geeky. The saddest (best?) part is that I could easily come up with five more.

Five Marvel Characters Who Are Awesome

Nerd alert!

1) Spider-Man: Spider-Man is the greatest superhero ever.

2) Ultron: Ultron is a killer robot with a jack-o-lantern face who wants to slaughter all organic life on the planet. That is just the greatest.

3) Multiple Man: He multiplies! But in the hands of writer Peter David he's got one of the most fascinating personalities around.

4) Galactus: He is the devourer of worlds. Do I have to paint you a picture?

5) Cyclops: At this point I wave the Cyclops flag just to spite the rest of the world.

Five Episodes of TV That Are Better Than Anything

1) The Wire - "Middle Ground": The 2nd-to-last episode of season 3 of The Wire is pretty much the culmination of three seasons' worth of plots. There's an uneasy alliance, dear friends betray each other, a main character dies, and this is probably the best episode of the best show on television, so there you are.

2) Neon Genesis Evangelion - "Air": This is sort of cheating, since I'm counting the 25th episode from The End of Evangelion, rather than the interesting yet wholly unsatisfying original version. As NERV takes on that last opponents they ever expected to face, Asuka wakes from her catatonia and jumps right into one of the most beautifully-animated action sequences ever filmed. Seriously, it's just incredible. It fills my heart with song.

3) Mystery Science Theater 3000 - "Godzilla vs. Megalon": My favorite episode of the series when I was 12 or so. Three words for you: Orville Popcorn sketch.

4) The Simpsons - "Homer Goes to College": Is there any line from this that isn't a classic? "Hey buddy, did you get a load of the NERD?"

5) Angel - "Not Fade Away": The whole cast dies fighting the good fight. Please ignore any follow-up comic books that might tell you otherwise.

5 Sequels That Are Better Than the Original

1) Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
2) Addams Family Values
3) Toy Story 2
4) X2
5) Batman Returns

These are in no particular order. And sometimes I'll explain my reasoning, sometimes I won't. This is a won't.

ARBITRARY LIST WEEK

I smell a theme week coming on!

ARBITRARY LIST WEEK

I'm just gonna toss out as many five-part arbitrary lists I can thin of, and you're going to sit there and like it.

(Or possibly hate it and resent me forever.)

Doctor who?

I really have to say that the latest incarnation of Doctor Who is really quite a remarkable television show.

I hadn't seen an episode in several weeks, and had gotten to that point where there were so many episodes in the queue that I was tempted to give up completely. But I came home last night to find Leslie and Emory just starting a later episode, and we wound up watching three episodes a row (the WWII two-parter and the alien invasion follow-up episdoe). Now I can't wait to watch the three other episodes we have on our DVR before the two-part season finale in two weeks.

A few weeks ago, after the first two episodes of the new series, I commented that the show felt Grant Morrison-esque, and I'm pleased to report that that remains the case, perhaps even moreso. Not only are the crazy-weird ideas there (nanotech, featured in the WWII episodes, is a particular Morrison staple) but there's also this intense optimism. More than any other comic writer, Morrison is concerned less with defeating the enemy than in assimilating the enemy, or even revealing that there was no enemy, after all, and it was only the reader's perception that lended the antagonists any real menace. Meanwhile in Doctor Who, the Doctor rejoices when he finds a way to stop the nano-controlled zombies without harming a soul. When the Doctor formulates his plan and trumpets "And everyoboyd lives, Rose! Everybody lives!" it's nearly impossible to not have a big, goofy grin on your face.

Of course, Christopher Eccleston and Billie Piper as The Doctor and Rose, respectively, do their fair share of selling the material. They're both wonderful.

And hey, the show also won the BAFTA for Best Drama Series. Why can't shows like this ever find that kind of success in the US? Surely Galactica deserves a little love. Of course Galactica doesn't have a 30-year history, but still.

And the weekend just vanished

The thing about Mayday is when you do it, it's like you didn't have a weekend. It's fun and you have a great time, but it's also a lot of work and by the time Monday rolls around you've spent pretty much every moment since Saturday either working on that movie or sleeping.

So now it's back to my job and the seconds feel like HOURS.

I suppose on Friday I did get to go to Oxy and see the big Glee Club/Chorale Mozart concert, which was nice. I ran into some people I hadn't seen in awhile (Mabby! Chris Eanes!) and the music sounded really nice. I'm still debating on whether or not to return to chorale in the fall. Now that I live in Hollywood the bus commute takes about 45 minutes, so if I did do it I'd really be better off just heading to Oxy straight from work so I'd have time to grab dinner down in Eagle Rock before reahearsal started. Of course I wouldn't get back home until 11 at the absolute earliest, so it'd be pretty much one evening a week completely gone. I don't know. We'll see.

This Mayday experience was much, much more pleasant than last time, since we actually learned to, say, budget our time. Heck, we were finished filming by midnight, which is 7 hours ahead of when we stopped last time. And we actually had a script! That really helped move things along, too. Team Atrox: learning the obvious in only a year.

In other news, Lindsay wants to marry Emory's cat.

Mayday!

Well, the 4th Mayday 24-hour Film Contest has come and gone. Well, the filmmaking portion, as least. The title this time around was the maddeningly vague 23. (I stated this weekend that I would like to one day achieve a sort of C-list celebrity that allows me to come up with the Mayday titles. And then each title I came up with would be a ridiculously specific series of events.) I'm pleased to report we were much more responsible with our time this year (it's only the 2nd time Team Atrox has been abel to participate), and we actually had our film in 40 minutes before the 24-hour mark. Then we all had IHOP.

I'm really pretty pleased with the movie. Kim delivers one line in a way that made everyone laugh hysterically every time they heard it, and we probably heard it about 50 times during the editing process. Naturally I can't really reveal the details in anticipation of the screening and all, but I will say that outrageous German accents are almost never unfunny. Also I really, really took one for the team.

Many thanks (yet again) to Kim, Nell, and Lindsay for helping out. Naturally it wouldn't have been nearly as good without them.

Life with Emory

An email exchange:

EMORY: Why didn't any of you tell me the Iliad was awesome? Think I'm too stupid to rock it with Homer? Fuck you guys! Fuckin' elitist bastards. It's guys screaming about honor, Gods fucking eachother over, and NON STOP GORE. Whoo-hoo! I'm gonna make a Hip-Hop movie version called "Ill", and it will ROCK.

ME: Now imagine all that shit plus nanotech, and you've got "Ilium."

EMORY: ...And imagine all THAT shit plus Usher, and you've got "Ill."

Biggest reason I wished I lived in Toronto right now

Two of my favorite things, throwing a big ol' party.

To all things, an ending

You know, this is the first TV season in some time where I'm actually pretty bummed out that I have to wait three months for new episodes. Veronica Mars's big mystery reveal was ultimately a disappointment, but it still has my favorite cast of characters on TV. And there were certainly parts of the finale that were off-the-charts awesome. The Office's finale was just about perfect, although next season has to avoid the pitfall of any sitcom whose central relationship is a "Will they or won't they?" (Will They or Won't They, the sitcom I'm developing, will circumvent this problem when I unexpectedly kill of one of the leads. Sorry, Paul and Liz.) Top Model's over now too, and I wish I didn't love that show so much, but there it is.

The only shows with a few more episode to go are ones I'm less invested in, although 24 is still doing really well. House is episodic to the extreme, so I can't imagine anything particularly amazing happening in the finale (heck, they've alread had one of the characters catch the affliction-of-the-week this season). I've actually really enjoyed the last two episodes of Lost, although I hear last night's was a little lackluster. Still, I'm even enjoying the flashbacks more now that Seven Soldiers-esque interconnections are starting to pop up (some not even involving Jack's dad!).

Oh, and there are probably a few "new" episodes of Degrassi left, which, I expect, will go there.

Thursday

New Atrox strip.

Go read.

It's here.

It's cool

Don't worry, everyone (by which I mean everyone who didn't get the Scott Pilgrim Free Comic Book Day issue so that I could read it)!

Newsarama has that shit online.

I'm busy

So very busy. Atrox shoot for tonight, apartment to finish cleaning, SMRT-TV article to finish (sorry Liz), Mayday preparations to be made, actual Mayday to be done...

Don't expect a lot of activity around here for the rest of the week, is what I'm saying.

What's that smell?

I smell... whiskey. Where's that coming from? Oh, it's me.

In a startingly brilliant move, I woke up this morning and put on the same jeans I was wearing last night. The same jeans I was wearing when I spilled an entire cup of James Beam and Coke into my lap. Nice. As Paul might say, I'm going to be chased by alcoholic bees all day.

The Girl Who Is Rushed to the Emergency Room

Liz,

Woo, I'm behind again! Big finale's in a mere two days, but you've got two recaps to go before then!

We open with Furonda being nervous about being in the bottom two last episode, Sara saying that she's not really a model, but she's trying to fake it, and Jade saying nice-but-actually-mean things to Joanie. Jade interviews that she doesn't think Joanie has what it takes to be a model. I think she is saying this because she knows Joanie is serious competition.

The next day the girls head to the Patravadi theater to learn about traditional Thai dance. As the girls learn the moves, Danielle interviews that she's not feeling well. Uh-oh!

At lunch, Joanie and Jade get in an argument. Joanie says that Jade is defensive. Jade gets incredibly defensive about being called defensive. No one's raising voice or anything, which is just one reason why this season pales compared to last year's. Furonda hilariously interviews that when Joanie and Jade fight it just sounds like "Wah wah wah" to her. You know, like the adults in Peanuts. Furonda is kind of right.

Then Joanie wins my heart EVEN MORE by laying out this great line in her interview about Jade: "Even when I sit next to her, all I smell is just... bitch." Barring some last-minute gold, that is the quote of the season. Joanie's my girlfriend.

During all this, Danielle sneaks off. She goes to the hospital and it turns out she's suffering from dehydration, exhaustion and as she later puts it, "a little bit of food poisoning." Poor Danielle. She's okay, though. Nothing life-threatening.

Meanwhile, the girls notice Danielle is gone. She's going to miss their challenge! Each of the girls gets to wear a traditional Thai outfit and perform Thai dance for a surprisingly large audience. Jade dances okay, but she looks pissed. Joanie does pretty well and smiles the whole time. Sara is (surprise!) awkward. And Furonda? Well... just look. It's sort of the greatest. Note the audience's reaction.

Anyway, Joanie winds up winning the challenge, and picks Sara to come with her because Sara hasn't won anything yet. Ah, pity. They have dinner with some woman from Elle magazine.

That night, Danielle checks herself out of the hospital against her doctor's orders in order to do the photo shoot the next day. She's a trouper.

The next day, the girls head into the jungle, only to find Jay Manuel crashing through the underbrush on an elephant. Rad. Today the girls will be posing with the elephant and promoting some vibrating razor for women. That sounds dangerous (the razor, not the posing).

Danielle goes first, and does well despite still feeling bad. Jade is next, and does okay. Furonda goes, and sucks. Joanie kicks major ass. The elephant seems to really like her. Sara watches Joanie pose, and when it's her turn, mimics some of Joanie's shots, only not good. Joanie is irritated that Sara is copying her.

Panel! The girls have to perform a few emotions wearing a mask. They are sensuality, despair, and compassion. Everyone looks sort of ridiculous and I am reminded of stupid shit we had to do in Acting II. The judges look at the girls' photos, and agree that Joanie ruled. And that Sara is kind of lame for copying her. Nigel thinks Joanie looks like crap in person. Furonda's photos were particularly weak.

Elimination! Joanie, Danielle, and Sara's names are called. Down to Furonda and Jade. Jade tells Furonda she's a shitty model, and once again reminds Jade that she is an irritating nutjob who does not necessarily know what's best all the time. Furonda's going home.

Jade's been in the bottom two, what, four times? She's like a cockroach.

Next time: Go-sees and bikinis! Who knows when I'll get around to it!

Things I say that I did not make up

Just so we're clear, here.

"Burnsauce."

"For serious."

I just find myself saying those a lot, nowadays.

The weekend's crazy adventures

Woo, so crazy. I mean, not really.

Friday night was a one-two birthday combo, with Liz's party at the Psychic Bunny offices downtown and then Meredith's birthday at some BH hotel. Ah, poor Meredith was so drunk. Afterwards Laurel, Paul and I joined Asa and Alan at the Hollywood House where Paul did terrifying and hilarious things involving a creepy long-nosed mask. That's really about as well as I can describe it.

Saturday was Corinne's BBQ for her graduation/birthday. Woo! Go Corinne! We played Apples to Apples which involved the usual amount of yelling and bullshit. I love and hate that game in equal measure. Anyway, it was a really good time.

That night we gathered over at Frank's place to work on our next Atrox short focusing on The DaVinci Code. Some really funny stuff came out of it, but I was partial to the trailer tagline we came up with that went a little something like... (to be said like that guy in all the trailers) "A mystery... 20 minutes in the making. A puzzle... that takes an entire evening to solve." Remember, kids, the DaVinci code doesn't really have much to do with DaVinci.

Sunday I saw Art School Confidential with Lindsay, which was okay save for the completely derailing serial killer plot. I mean, what the hell? Did Joel Silver produce this? Why is there a serial killer? Ugh.

That night I headed over to Frank and Matt's place to watch Matt's new episode of American Dad. It was funny as always, but I think my favorite bit was Hailey's battle with cancer. Like "How can we sideline Hailey for this entire year? Oooh, let's give her cancer!" That was the shit. Also, Bruce Boxleitner. Sold.

New video!

Paul speaks the truth!

There's a new video up at The Atrox and Paul gives a bit of background about its creation. Despite not really being into it, Emory was a really big sport to star in the short. After a cut came in with Paul's sweet sound design Emory was heard to say "It's finally almost funny." So if you hate it, blame Frank. If you love it, blame everybody who actually made it. (Aw, I kid Frank! He's just busy, is all.)

Forced to take some bullets

To research upcoming Atrox bits and since I have both the time and the quick-reading skills, I've been forced to read both The DaVinci Code and All Star Batman and Robin.

They're both really bad. DaVinci has some really awful, labored prose, and All Star Batman might be the strangest comic book I've ever read (but not, sadly, in a good way).

Oooh, I should mention that if all goes according to plan there'll be a new video short up at the Atrox come Monday. Sadly it has nothing to do with either of the piles of shit I've been forced to read.

Our world is crazy

We were discussing this last night in the car, but the fact that Chris Tucker is Hollywood's highest-paid actor is just off-the-scales ridiculous. Then again, 600 million total gross for the first two Rush Hours is nothing to sneeze at. But no, it's absurd.

Whew

Whoa, this was not the morning to run all the way to the bus stop. The thing is, I had gotten up in plenty of time, posted the new Atrox comic (go see!) and everything, but then I was like "Maybe I should look at the stats. And post something on the Livejournal. And this, and that, and blabiddy bloo." And then I was going to be late if I didn't dash. My lungs nearly exploded. Good God, I'm out of shape.

The island affects your mind

I keep trying to do some big Catalina post, but then I have to "work." Whatever, job! Also, I'm kind of lazy, and the words don't type themselves.

Here's a preview, though. At one point this past weekend I beat both my fists on the dining table while bellowing "CYCLOPS HAS BEATEN ALL OF THE OTHER X-MEN SINGLE-HANDEDLY AND I HAVE PROOF!"

But then, that's nothing out of the ordinary.

One for the geeks

Infinite Crisis in 30 Seconds.

It's in CRAYON.

Remember kids, Jason Todd's alive because Superboy punched a wall!

Okay, I'm back

Catalina was awesome. More on that later.

I guess if you can't wait you can look at my pictures, although as usual I must want you that my skills as a photographer are limited. But sometimes the scenery does the heavy lifting.

Uh, what else?

The Pirates of the Carribean 2 trailer makes the movie look even more like Monkey Island than the last one, and I didn't think that was possible.

I'm now addicted to O'Grady on Noggin (in addition to Degrassi). Really, I'm such a sucker for any Soup 2 Nuts production involving H. John Benjamin (see also, Dr. Katz, Home Movies).

Remember when H. John Benjamin played the can of vegetables in Wet Hot American Summer? That was great.

Now I'm just rambling.

I'm so pissed I missed Free Comic Book Day! Did... did anyone get the free Scott Pilgrim? I just want to look at it. I bet no one has it. Stupid island vacation! What a waste of time!

Got to catch a boat

I'm off to Catalina in about half an hour, so don't expect anything from me here until Monday at the earliest.

In the meantime, you can go and read the new Atrox comic. And then read all of them again! Right? Right.

'Trox hits the YouTube

Now all good little girls and boys can hit up the Team Atrox original classic Rendezvous with Roommate on the far-too-adictive YouTube site. Go for it.

The Girl Who Is A Model, Not A Masseuse

Liz,

I know you're in New York and everything, but maybe you'll read this anyway.

We open on Jade, Furonda, and Nnenna goofing around. Jade is pretending to be Tyra, and Furonda and Nnenna are the top models. Jade announces that Furonda is the winner. The girls giggle and laugh and carry on. Nnenna confesses that Jade is her best friend in the house. Meanwhile, Furonda practices her runway walk. Maybe she should practice EATING A DAMN SANDWICH.

Meanwhile, Danielle is concerned that Tyra ordered her to get her gap closed. Joanie tells her that she might feel better if she doesn't do it. Danielle is conflicted.

The next day the girls face this week's challenge, which is being interviewed by Vanity Fair columnist George Wayne. There's no way to adequately express this without you actually listen to the man talk, but George Wayne is SATAN HIMSELF. Case in point, when he asks Jade about her headscarf (which is, admittedly, dumb) he adds "You look like an arrogant bitch to me." Remember, it's not a grift this time. The guy's just the King of Douchery. He interviews all the girls, occasionally throwing in a mean comment. He calls Furonda a lioness and she roars at him and I am creeped the hell out.

Anyway, at the end of it all he declared Nnenna the winner, and Nnenna picks Jade to share her prize, which will be to get a spa treatment from the other girls.

Danielle is still concerned about her gap and calls her mom for advice. Her mom hilariously reminds Danielle about last season's Cassandra, who was kicked off the show for not getting her hair cut. I'll have to tell you that whole, hysterical story sometime. In the end, Danielle returns to the dentist's and gets the gap closed. Only he couldn't close it all the way, so there's still a bit of a gap, it's just not as wide as the Grand Canyon. Danielle actually looks great. Guess it's Tyra - 1, Being true to yourself - 0.

The girls head to dinner, and then a drag queen shows up claiming to be Tyra. Then the real Tyra enters. The the two Tyras fight about which one is real. It's all "hilarious," as I'm sure you can imagine. The long and the short of it is that Tyra tells the girls they're going to Thailand. Sweet. Joanie exclaims "I've only ever been to Canada!" She rules.

The girls pack. Joanie tapes up boxes in just a tank top and her underwear and... what? Huh? Where am I? Anyway, Jade hysterically steals from the communal gumball jar. Then the girls take off and there appears the WORLD'S GREATEST GRAPHIC. It's a CGI pink plane crossing the ocean, only the girls' photos have been superimposed in the windows. And the pictures are bobbing. Maybe they're having a plane dance party?

And now... BANGKOK! And you know what one night in Bangkok can do to a man. It also gives me an opportunity to use one of my all-time favorite MST3K references: "Wait, Andrew Lloyd Webber didn't write Chess. That was Tim Rice and those guys from Abba."

On the way to the hotel, Joanie practices some Thai-ish-nese(?) phrases. She says she wants to respect the culture. She's the shit. Meanwhile, Furonda wants to shop! The girls get to their hotel, which is SWANK.

Later, the girls go to the spa, where Nnenna and Jade get the 5-star treatment from the other girls. Sara and Danielle are tossing flower petals in a bathtup when the spa lady comes by and tells them to delicately place each petal. As soon as the spa lady is gone, Danielle starts chucking in handfulls again, and finally just dumps the box of petals whole. Danielle's trying to win me over.

Joanie and Furonda are in charge of massage. Joanie is very attentive to the spa staff and really tries hard. Meanwhile, Furonda massages Nnenna using just one finger. She says she is not into touching people, or rubbing on them. Furonda finishes her finger massage and asks for a tip. Then she says she's off to wash her finger. She walks a fine line between awful and hilarious.

Photoshoot time! The girls head to a cool floating market where Jay Manuel tells them they will be mermaids, suspended in a fishnet above the market. Danielle goes first, and is not very comfortable in the net. She says "Yeah, my uterus is just flat as a pancake right now." Danielle's efforts to win me over are succeeding. Danielle, Joanie, and Jade rock their photos, Sara starts bad but gets better, and Nnenna and Furonda are pretty weak.

Judging! For the final challenge, each girl must give a little speech to sell themselves to the panel. Joanie spits out tired cliches. Sara won't shut up about how smart she is. Jade, in another example of her mental acuity, proclaims "What you see is what you get" immediately followed by "You can't judge a book by its cover." Nnenna drones on and on and on. Danielle is funny and charming. Furonda stands dumbly, but finally mumbles out a few sentences.

The judges evalute the girls' performances and take a look at their mermaid photos. Once the girls are gone, the judges debate. At one point, after Nigel and Miss J say they're not into Nnenna anymore, Tyra says "I think she intimidates you." But then Twiggy jumps in with "JADE frightens me. Don't leave me in a room with Jade!" My love for Twiggy is boundless.

The girls come back in. Everyone's safe except for Nnenna and Furonda. Tyra says that Furonda is improving, but isn't there yet, and that Nnenna was great to start, but is going downhill. Nnenna is going home. There goes most people's frontrunner pick. For my money, I think it'll come down to Danielle and Joanie.

Next week: A girl goes to the hospital! Also, ELEPHANTS!

It can't be coincidence

Now that Paul McCrane has shown up on 24, there are no less than THREE Robocop cast members currently kicking it with Jack Bauer and company. I refuse to believe that it is not deliberate.

How great would it be if Kurtwood Smith showed up? And Jack threw him through some windows as Smith screamed "I work for Dick Jones! DICK JONES! Dick Jones runs OCP! OCP runs the cops!" or something similar.

God almighty, Robocop is a fucking awesome movie.

Too much wild, wild life

It is a scar of the weekend, and its myriad adventures.

I knew the weekend was going to be okay when I got home from work on Friday and watched an episode of Degrassi: TNG where Emma goes all crazy after the shooting and starts going down on Jay only to get gonnorhea from him. Degrassi is just the greatest.

Then Kim called out of the blue to see if I wanted to get dinner, so we went to Bossa Nova and caught up. I hadn't seen Kim in forever, so it was great to chat with her again. I invited her to come to Liz's birthday party, but she had to get up and go to her new job, so she passed.

Liz's party was moved to the Three of Clubs at the last minute, due to a private party being held at the White Horse. This was okay, since it meant I could just walk over there when Kim left. Unfortunately it meant that I got a call from Lindsay wondering where everyone was. Whoops. Sorry, Lindsay. Anyway, there were some drinks, a little dancing, a decent time on the whole. I think Liz enjoyed herself. Did you enjoy yourself, Liz?

Saturday was just plain ol' kickass. Earlier that week Frank, Paul, and I had made vague plans with the Westside crew to go out bowling. Ultimately they decided to head to All Star Lanes. That place has been TRANSFORMED. They were doing renovations the last time I was there, but they really classed up the place. By which I mean they added carpeting and decent lighting. Anyway, we bowled a few games (we being me, Paul, Chandler, Lindsay, Will, and Nell) and as usual I started out sucky, remembered how to bowl, did pretty well, then went back in the toilet as my arm got tired. Still, it was good times.

Afterwards we went to get dinner, and ended up at Senior Fish, where I had the greatest quesidilla created by man. I had forgotten how excellent that place was. Once dinner was over we were at a bit of a loss at what to do next, but then the idea of just heading back to All Star for karaoke was put forth, and everyone was into it. So back down Eagle Rock we went. Turns out Roger had returned to run the karaoke, and he still thought I was still a student at Oxy. And he still sung "Because I Got High." The bar had been rennovated too, and a lot more space had been added, which seemed unnecessary, since even on Saturday night the place was sparsely populated.

Anyway, once we got there we called whoever we could think of, so Mike, Rob, Yaiza, Frank, Marge, Brooke, and Kim all showed up, too. It RULED. There was another small group of people there, but only one or two of them actually sung, so we sort of had the run of the bar, like the good old days. To those who weren't there, we should go back sometime.

Afterwards some of us went back to Frank's place to hang out. I drove Brooke back in her car since she had had a bit to drink and I strained my already-overtaxed voice by singing along with a mix CD she had. By the time we got to Frank's it was late enough that several people (me included) conked out not long after sitting down. Laurel and Alan came over as well, and Alan dumped water on my crotch as I slept. Asshole.

Now I think I'm getting sick or something. My throat's sore and I have the sniffles. Stupid fun weekend, getting me sick.

Atrox Monday

There's a new advice column up at The Atrox, and there's no reason on earth you shouldn't read it.